The Rules

Kinoosao Rally Road


(rough copy)

The Rules

I woke up on a Saturday morning not knowing what I was going to be doing that day. I went to the Dead Barn café to have breakfast as usual with my buddy. To my surprise there are a couple more tables with people enjoy breakfast then usual. My buddy and I sit at our usual table because this is the regular routine for a Saturday morning in the town of WHO-ville. Then a couple of full figure ladies dressed in shorts and very low cut summer tops walk in. These ladies have been partying all night and still have enough alcohol in their systems to be funny. They ask out loud if anyone could give them a ride 100kms to Kinoosao which they state will only take an hour. These ladies are drunk enough to think that it only takes one hour to travel over the Kinoosao Rally Road which on a good day is 2.5 hours of driving.

It did not take long for the bidding to start between the tables in the cafe. Of course I won with a bid of $208.50 cdn money to deliver the ladies to Kinoosao. As I sat in my chair finishing my breakfast, I asked out loud if the ladies had the cdn funds to pay for this adventure which is cash up front. Right in front of all the other cafe-bidders, one of the ladies slides her hand in to her bra and pulls out a wad of cash. So it is a done deal. I guess one of the joys of being full figured is you can use your bra to hide a lot of cash and no one would suspect.

Now I had to lay out the 3 rules for the ladies since I’m now acting as a transporter. I base the rules on the film The Transport 2002 in which there are 3 rules that must be followed when agreeing to the contract.

Rule 1 -- never change the deal

Rule 2 -- no names

Rule 3 -- never open the package

The ladies agree to the 3 rules and off we go in my pink crew cab truck. First stop was to the vendor to get the beer for the party in Kinoosao. I remind the ladies that we have to cross the border in Saskatchewan and can only transport 4 cases of beer legally. Plus I point out to the ladies that I have a Hollywood contract that is 27 pages long which states a lot of things that I can’t do to maintain a proper image for television. It did not take the ladies long to purchase 4 cases of beer and load them in the box of the pink crew cab. Next they want to take more friends along on this fun trip but I said no because of Rule 1. The ladies were not happy campers because more people makes for a better party. As we start to drive out of the town WHO-ville they want me to stop here and there but I have to remind them about Rule 1. The agreement we have is to deliver 2 ladies and the legal amount of alcohol to Kinoosao for $208.50 cdn money. The ladies were not happy with the situation so they had to open a beer to celebrate the party they are going to. Once the beer was opened then they want music to enjoy the beer with. Only problem with that is my pink crew cab has had 80s heavy metal band CD stuck in the CD player for over a year now. I don’t might listening to heavy metal music from the 1980s because it brings back memories of when I was young and had “lots” of hair. For some reason the ladies did not like my taste in music because it was recorded well before they were born. I assured them that there was no way to change the CDs and it is this CD or nothing. The ladies answered back with no problem we will drink more beer and the music will get better.

As I drive the Kinoosao Rally Road with one foot on the brake and the other foot on the gas and both hands on the wheel trying to make the best time over this tricky road. The one lady sitting in the back seat wants to sit in the front seat so she can hear the music better. Now I have to stop and the ladies all get in the front seat of the truck plus grab more beer from the box of the truck. These ladies really want to drink beer to enjoy my 80s heavy metal music. Another 10 minutes down the road the ladies want to renegotiate the contract of me driving them to Kinoosao. I politely remind them of Rule 1 and it is $208.50 cdn money to deliver them with their beer. One of the ladies decides to show me her full figured breast as I’m driving. The Kinoosao Rally Road it a very tricky road to drive and demands full concentration to be able maintain speed and safety. Now I have a large bare breast to look at plus concentrate on the road. I remind the lady about Rule 3 which is “never open the package”. Her reply to Rule 3 was she can’t remember any of the rules due to the alcohol she has been drinking. It is a good thing I have my old age on my side because in my wasted youth the vehicle would have been stopped immediately for negotiations to begin.

I maintain speed and concentration on driving the Kinoosao Rally Road as the ladies tease me more and more with bare breasts. I glanced over to see one of the ladies sliding a beer can over her bare breast in hopes of getting the nipple hard as part of a tease. She figured a hard nipple would open negotiations on the agreed amount of cdn money for this trip. But the can of beer was at room temperature which did not excite the nipple because the beer can has to be cold for the nipple to respond. The ladies could not figure out why the beer can was warm and they just bought it from the vendor in WHO-ville. As a true professional I kept my eyes on the road to make sure there would be no accidents due to experimenting with hard nipples. I also figured the ladies could use a quick physic lesson because I don’t think they attended many classes when they were in school.

I begin to explain that the hotel ran out of beer on the long weekend which means no beer at all in the vendor cooler. The beer arrived Thursday night and 24,000lbs of beer was placed in the vendor cooler. The ladies ask me “of the 24,000lbs of beer delivered how many cases were Budweiser”? I was able to do some quick thinking and told them 15,000lbs of the order was Budweiser. This answer was good enough for the ladies who continued to drink their beer as I drove and explained physics to them. I told them the vendor cooling system is 60 years old and it will take 4 days to cool the beer down to a nice cold drinking temperature due to the 1% insulation fact of the cardboard case that the beer is sold in. But during those 4 days of cooling the vendor door is opened and closed for the sale of beer. Which mean there will only be 9000lbs of beer left on day 4 and less beer means it will get colder faster. The ladies then ask how many cases of Budweiser would be left on day 4? I told the ladies that there will be only 3000lbs of Budweiser left on the forth day because Budweiser is one of the top selling beers in WHO-ville. Both of the ladies agreed that they should be back in WHO-ville on day 5 of the cooling period to buy the last of the Budweiser because they don’t want to be caught short of Budweiser beer.

With the quick physic lesson over the ladies asked if I would turn on the air conditioning in the pink crew cab because that will make nipples hard. For some reason these ladies really wanted to change the original agreement we had on the transportation of them and the beer. I refused to turn on the AC in the pink crew cab because at my age the AC will give me a head cold. The head cold will take weeks for me to get over and ruin my summer of fun. Then the ladies got out some ice cubes from the cooler which made the nipples hard right now for some reason. Well ice cubes are better then having the AC on in the pink crew cab. It was very hard to stay focused on the road maintaining speed and safety.

Then one of the ladies asks one of those famous trick questions which a man is going to fail no matter how he answers. The question was “whose nipples are harder”? No matter how this questioned is answered by a man it will be the wrong answer then the ladies will say the word “fine”. Which is really a question because a man has to figure out what “fine” means. Since I have had numerous relationships with women over the years and screwed up big time on these trick questions which have no real answer. I had no problem answering the question by stating “both of you ladies have the best nipples and please remember Rule 3 “never open the package”. The ladies were happy with my answer and the beer was kicking in which made them tired. Only 20 minutes in to the trip and both of the ladies were in a deep sleep as I drove the Kinoosao Rally Road. It was a very boring trip with the ladies a sleep and it didn’t seem long till we arrived in Kinoosao. I delivered the ladies to the party place which was easy to find. They paid me the full amount of $208.50 cdn money with no deduction for the boobie-nipple show. I then headed over to see my friend at the local store because I need something to drink. As I walked through the door of the store, my friend calls me “big time money pants from TV”. She then asks me to donate to the local fish derby that is happening right now in the community. No problem I told her and threw a $100.00 bill on the counter of the store. She replied to me “is that it Mr. Money Pants”? I then toss another $100.00 bill on the counter and she politely says she was only joking with a big smile on her face. That is when I tossed the $8.50 on the counter. Now this totally confused her because of the odd amount. I explained to her that I got paid $208.50 to deliver 2 ladies and their beer for the party here in town. I don’t need the money now that I’m on TV so it is a donation. My friend was very happy because now the fish derby had a good increase on the prize money. I picked up a few drinks for the return trip home. As I was leaving town, I stopped by to tell the 2 ladies I donated the money for the transportation to the fish derby. They thought that was nice and figured they would enter the fish derby to win their money back.